Oh, christ.

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 08:15:42 GMT

LUSH Fiends -

Creme Anglaise from B Never is coming to LUSH! Yahoo! Also Turkish Delight smoothie, all the lip scrubs and they reformulated the buttercreams. And we're getting a bath bomb called Space Girl, that is purple with sparkly rings around it, like Saturn!

Whoop whoop!

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 08:08:26 GMT

HEY! UNTO YOU A CHILD IS BORN!

(Merry Christmas, friends! Go read The Best Christmas Pageant Ever again and be with your loved ones today!)

Dear LJ/Facebook Friends

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 07:56:49 GMT

So. A guy jumped off the railing across from my store today, and fell one level down. We were in the shop at the time, just dealing with our usual Dec 23 craziness, when we heard a thump and a scream. No one inside really paid much attention, we just figured it was random mall happenings, and a few minutes later, a customer came in to tell us what had happened.

Man, something like that really freaks you out.

I mean, there you are, ringing people through, wrapping gifts, thinking about nothing in particular, and then you hear that someone tried to kill themselves not ten feet away from you. There was a huge crowd just staring over the railing until Security taped off the area. People were completely messed up about it. Everyone was just looking kind of green and shocked. I went into the back room and called my parents and Stephen right away to tell them how much I loved them.

I know I'm frustrated and tired right now, and I know how bad things can get for me during holiday season, but - well, at least I know I'll have a good Christmas with my family. At least I know I have people who love me and support me and I'll never have to jump off a railing in a mall because no one understands me.

I made up my mind to just go with the flow this year, and think about the things that really matter in my life.

Much love to you all. Hug your families, spend time with your loved ones and stay warm and happy this season.

Love, Jaime <3

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 07:08:25 GMT

HA!

Zack de la Rocha, lead singer of Rage Against The Machine, told Radio One yesterday that the band were 'very ecstatic', adding: 'It says more about the spontaneous action taken by young people throughout the UK to topple this very sterile pop monopoly, and less about the song and the band.'

A 'large portion' of the proceeds from the single will go to homeless charity Shelter, he said.

=

So, I am EXHAUSTED. I know I say this every year, because I work in retail and retail Christmas is MURDER, but this year I feel way more dead than I usually do. I worked three 12-to-14 hour shifts back-to-back this weekend and was running on 2 or 3 hours of sleep the whole time, so I'm amazed that I didn't actually collapse on the sales floor. Yesterday, I was on the verge of tears the entire time. When I finally came home to Stephen, I just cried for about an hour. It was awful.

If I start thinking about it, I won't be able to get through the next two days and Boxing Day. I was home today, so I did some Christmas wrapping and baking. I still have more to do, but I guess that will have to wait until Thursday night. If it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. I'm going to Dollarama on my way to work tomorrow to grab some gift bags so I can just throw things together.

=

My mom bought me a gift card to Sock Dreams and sent it to my email address early. The funny thing is that she sent it right after I sent her a stress email about how nuts things are for me right now (I was having an I-want-my-mom moment), and I think she might have done that as a virtual "There, there, it's going to be okay. Look, socks!" My mom is awesome. I bought these, which are possibly the greatest things I've ever seen.

=

Secret of the Day: I can't sleep! I think I don't want to go to work tomorrow. My brain thinks that if I don't go to sleep, my day off will continue and I'll never have to go back into the fray. This can't be good.

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 06:18:38 GMT

Someone in my building has an airhorn. IT IS 1AM. If I were asleep, I'd be pissed off.

Things That Suck Right Now:

- I cut my thumb slicing zucchini Thursday night. Do you know what it's like to have a cut thumb and demo Ocean Salt sea salt scrub all day long at work? WELL I DO.
- I have a headache! Despite tea and soup. I will most likely have a headache for the rest of my life.
- My bathtub is all gross and I don't want to clean it, but I really want to take a bath. I just keep going in there and staring at the ring in the tub and then sighing and applying hand cream. THIS IS MY BEST ALTERNATIVE.
- I have no lunch for tomorrow. Poop.
- Did I mention the airhorn?
- I AM FREAKING OUT ABOUT STARTING MY CLASSES IN JANUARY, OMG SCHOOL.

Things That Rock Right Now:

- I'm having tea!
- Our work Christmas party is tomorrow night, and I am already planning what makeup to wear.
- Stephen did some Christmas shopping for me and my presents are under the tree!
- Our vegan essentials order is in! Vegan Nutella, here I come!
- A customer told me today that my ring was beautiful. I got so blushy!

I <3 Carbs

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:42:58 GMT

You should totally subscribe to LushVidz.

So, I don't know how much longer this fruit/veggie cleanse thing is going to last. Even though I have a cup of tea in the morning, I still get a bad headache by the middle of the second day, and I feel kind of weak. Stephen thinks I just don't eat enough, but I disagree. This is my regular routine:

- An apple in the morning when I wake up
- Another apple two and half hours later, when I'm on my way to work (this is also when I have my tea)
- Two to three hours after that, I have a couple of clementines or some carrot sticks
- Two hours after that, I eat my lunch, which is usually a spinach-and-cherry-tomato salad and more clementines
- Two to three hours after that, I have something on the way home, like more carrot sticks
- Two to three hours after that, we have dinner. Last night, it was eggplant, zucchini, red peppers and onions baked lasagna-style without the lasagna noodles.
- Decaf tea right before I go to bed

I think that's the best I can do! It's been about a month of this now, and so far, I look the same and I have no energy two days a week. This thing isn't working.

Secret of the Day: I sell shampoo all day, every day, and I only really wash my hair maybe once every two days. Gross!

Fly His Head!

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:19:33 GMT

I think my mail carrier takes a three-day weekend. We never get mail on Mondays, and our Tuesday mail is always HUGE. Who can I complain to about this? Everyone else at work got their product boxes today, and I have the feeling that mine will come when my mail guy is good and ready to deliver it. Jerk.

In other work news, we had our VIP event last night and it was NUTS. We had a crazy lineup outside the shop for two hours! We walked up and down giving out homemade vegan cookies, soy nog and green tea gingerale so people wouldn't get pissy and take off before getting into the shop. People were so great! Some people were annoying and wanted to change their goody bags for other ones ("I don't want THAT for free, I want THIS for free...") but most people were normal human beings and really appreciated all the work and prep that went into the event. My staff ROCKED THAT JOINT. It was stifling hot in the store, and everyone kept their red pashminas and Christmas hats on, even though I'm sure that they were all ready to pass out after five minutes. I really shouldn't be surprised, since everyone at my shop is AWESOME SAUCE, but once in awhile, they knock me out with how great they are. Fantastic job, dudes! We also made a ton of money, so the event was a complete success! We're doing another one in December.

I spent most of this morning doing some work stuff from home, and tonight we've got inventory to deal with. Shouldn't be too bad, though, since it's only a count of the Christmas products instead of the entire stock. I'm looking forward to having two days off in a row this week! The first day, I'm doing all my holiday wrapping, cleaning and laundry, and on Wednesday I'm just going to veg out and watch movies.

Wow, that was really boring.

Secret of the Day: My current favourite YouTuber is April from muffinismylovers, as you know. SUBSCRIBE TO HER, SHE IS AWESOME. Anyway, my favourite, favourite, favourite video right now is this one:

(If Facebook wont let you watch the video, you can click this handy little link here. DO IT. Oh GOD. Hilarious. Sometimes, I find myself in situations and thinking, "What would April do?" I think she's the reason I've been feeling really aggressive lately. Anyway, I love her. She's funny and smart and her delivery is COMEDY GOLD. This woman needs her own TV show.

ROB ZOMBIE!

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:42:45 GMT

Sixteen years of waiting! It was GREAT. He is very chatty, did you know that? He did mostly old White Zombie stuff - YAHOO! - with a little early Rob Zombie thrown in, and little to none of the newer, crappier shit. Also, I noticed that John 5 looked like he was having way more fun with Zombie than he did when I'd see him with Manson. We bought t-shirts, because we're lame. Stephen's has a werewolf kind of print on the front, with tour dates and cities on the back. Mine is Frankenstein on the front with "100% Corpse Fucking Flesh Eating Zombie Loving God Damn Son of a Bitch" on the back, because I'm disgusting.

Do you know what is annoying about concerts like this? All the other people. Every single one of them. It's all just these drunk douchebags, Ed Hardy as far as the eye can see, and their trashy looking girlfriends. During Captain Clegg and the Night Creatures (the band that was in Halloween 2, during the Halloween party scene), we moved up a little to get closer to the stage, and a fight broke out. I have never understood fights at concerts. The music is so loud that you have no idea what anyone else is saying, and if it's something like, "This guy elbowed me out of the way," then you should not be at a concert in the first place, because THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENS THERE. You get pushed around, people don't say "excuse me" and everyone's just trying to get close to the stage. What are you going to do, start a fight with everyone? I'm telling you, DOUCHEBAGS.

Driving in -

Me: What do you think the ratio of peen to vag is here? Like 3 to 1?

Stephen: Eh, maybe 4 to 1.

Me: Huh.... so, what do you think the ratio of white to brown is?

Stephen: Like, 8,000 to 2. And the other brown is probably a dude.

Whatever. The show still rocked. Even though I'm old now.

Secret of the Day: My newest snack invention is a slice of Tofurky wrapped around a dill pickle. TRUST ME. You feel hungry, just get one of those and walk around with it on a fork. It's crunchy and tart and chewy all at the same time. I mean the thin, deli-style slices, not like a slice of a roasted Tofurky. I imagine that you could use regular turkey slices as well.

Halle Berry's boobs

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 05:06:22 GMT

Yahoo! I made our Christmas order at Vegan Essentials! They are doing 15% off until midnight tonight, so I figured this was a good time to do it (usually, their sales are like, 5% off). We make a Christmas order every year so that we have vegan chocolates and whatnot for our table at the holidays, but it is usually insanely expensive - they have this vegan nutella that is FABULOUS. But it's like, $11 Canadian for a bottle. Yeesh! So I have to jump on it when they have a sale.

Other stuff I got includes organic vegan peanut butter cups, vegan toffee, vegan vanilla caramels which we plan to melt down and make into caramel apples and vegan dupes of Mars Bars, Snickers and Almond Joy. Yeah! I am really excited for all these treats!

I am mostly excited about the vegan nutella though. TASTY.

Other things:

- We are having this VIP party at our shop on Sunday, and it is stressing me out so much that my chin broke out. INSANITY. I look like the before pics in a ProActive ad. GET ME SOME MASK OF MAGNAMINTY IMMEDIATELY.

- My knees still hurt from the faceplant into my Christmas tree! Also, I apparenly knocked our Christmas star askew and only noticed now.

- I am finally going to get a TwinkieChan scarf! She put my favourite one (crocheted buttered toast pieces) on sale a few days ago and Stephen got it for me for Christmas. Yay! I can't wait. I already have mittens that will go with it and everything.

- I am in love with Dulce and Banana herbal tea from David's Tea shop. Dudes, I NEVER like herbal tea. It's like drinking flowers. But this shit is DA BOMB, WHOOMP, THERE IT IS and other old catchphrases that no one uses anymore. SO GOOD.

- I saw these two grown women getting into a fight at College station today. Actually, they weren't fighting anymore since TTC security was already on it by the time I walked by. They were both being restrained, but they were screaming all kinds of obscenities at each other. It was like watching Jerry Springer uncensored. I hope I never get so angry at someone that I wind up screaming at them through a headlock in the subway. CLASSY, YO. Also, there was blood everywhere, so I think one of them got belted in the nose or somesuch.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!

Secret of the Day: Stephen turned on Swordfish, and this was our conversation:

Me: Is this the one where Halle Berry gets naked?

Stephen: I think so.

Me: Well, call me when it happens.

Stephen: Pervert.

Me: What? She has a nice pair.

I'm not sure what's more lame - the fact that I'm only interested in watching the movie for Halle Berry's boobs, or that Stephen is watching it for the story.

Trim up the tree with Christmas stuff like bingle balls and whofoo fluff

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 05:09:57 GMT

So Vinny is teaching me how to speak Italian. So far, I know how to say "Eat the peach" and "very important person". I imagine that these two phrases will get me through most anything in life. Next, I would like to learn how to say, "Excuse me, where is the coffee and the lipgloss please?" and I will be all set.

I went to Yorkdale with my mom today and we Christmas shopped for SX HOURS! Just to let you know, if you have to do Christmas shopping, go on a Wednesday in a November. There is NO ONE in the mall, and you can actually move around without wanting to kill everyone and then yourself. I finished all of my shopping! Actually, no, I still have to get two more things (one from my own store, and one from the HMV at Yonge and Dundas). But THEN I will be finished. I am so proud of myself! Every year, I say I'm going to do my shopping early, and then I wind up buying like, a shovel for my stepdad on Christmas Eve because I procrastinated. NOT THIS YEAR! NO SHOVELS HERE! So awesome.

Then I came home and fell into our Christmas tree and twisted my ankle and scraped my knees. It was not awesome. I was running over to the stockings, trying to shove this little building set into Stephen's, when I tripped over my own abnormally long toes and faceplanted into the Christmas tree. Ornaments went flying, the cats all scattered and Stephen came running over because I was howling in pain. I couldn't even put my hands out in front of me because I was holding the stupid building set! My foot still hurts.

Secret of the Day: Stephen renames his desktop recycle bin "rubbish".

The Muppets do Bohemian Rhapsody

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:29:52 GMT

Jim Henson would be so proud.

Jingle bells, j-j-j jingle bells

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:54:50 GMT

You guys! It is Christmas Bonanza all up in here. Today, when I got back from IMATS (more about that on my my beauty blog, if you're so inclined), we put up our Christmas tree and our decorations. We also watched Christmas Vacation!

IT IS NEVER TOO EARLY FOR SOME CHRISTMAS BONANZA, Y'ALL.

So then we made Christmas baked goods and listened to Christmas music and lit scented candles and had much soy nog. NOG! VitaSoy Holly Nog is on sale, 2 for $4 at Supercentre, if anyone wants to get in on some hot dairy-free nog action.

You know, I really love Christmas. I mean, I feel like I wait all year for it to come round again. It's not so much the presents (we've had some seriously lean years, dudes, and I've been just as excited regardless) as the whole vibe. It is CHRISTMAS! Snow! Mittens! Nog! Family! The food is all laid out on the table with the nuts and the candy and whatnot, and my mom makes this awesome soup that my granny taught her how to make with giant mushrooms and rice noodles, and I put the Tracy Chapman version of "O Holy Night" on my current playlist, and we burn delicious scented candles every night and I take many LUSH baths with Christmas products and it is just THE GREATEST TIME OF YEAR.

I figure, if I feel this way after 11 Christmases in retail, I'll probably always feel this way. The Christmas mojo is kicking in, people! I am going to have to bust out the Connie Francis Christmas album at work soon.

Also, here are some pictures.

Two of the most awesome albums in the world are hanging on the wall.

It's supposed to look like the inside of my brain.

The tree and I.

Sully and the tree and I.

Spot and the tree and I.

Joon and the tree and I.

Benny and the tree and I.

Nog and the TV and the tree and I.

My house is a ghetto mess. Whatever.

Lump sat alone in a boggy marsh

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:52:12 GMT

Hello. It is Indian Night at our house. This means that Stephen makes chickpea curry, some kind of fried okra thing with onions (I forget what that's called) and pappadums while I sing Bollywood songs to him in the kitchen. I do not speak Hindi or anything, so I just fake it.

My sister and I went to see Gone with the Wind on Saturday! I've seen it in the theatre before (they re-released it about 10 years ago when the DVD Collector's edition first came out), and of course I watch it at home all the time, but my sister's never even seen it the whole way through. It was SO GREAT. It's so much fun to watch one of your favourite movies with someone who's never seen it, because then you can talk about it afterward and discuss all the reasons you love it. My sister had a really good time. We were like, the only two people under 70 who were in there, by the way. What can I say? We're 90-years old on the inside.

And then! Yesterday, Stephen and I went to IKEA to use a gift certificate on Christmas decorations. You should see the stuff we got! I am so excited to start wrapping gifts. IKEA has the best ribbon. We also got two strings of star lights (they changed them this year so they look even cuter!) and a bunch of other stuff. And Stephen bought me a wire basket drawer thing for my socks! I tried to find a picture of it, but since they sell the frame and the baskets separately, I couldn't get a good shot of both together. Whatever, it looks neat.

Hey, so you want to hear my latest health news? I found a lump. It feels like a hard thingy (maybe a bit bigger than a kidney bean) just around my abdomen. WHAT IS THAT? It kind of hurts. I was supposed to go to the doctor today to get them to look at it, but I forgot. I'm obviously really worried about this. I'll go in tomorrow after work to determine if I should be more concerned. I REQUIRE REASSURANCE. Please respond with things like, "Hey, that happened to me once, and it turned out to be a balled-up Bounce sheet stuck under my waistband," and similar.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 10:04:45 GMT

So, I get this incredible headache every Thursday. Sunday through Wednesday, I have my usual tea in my travel mug on the way to work, some kind of espresso drink on the way home and more tea before I go to bed. This means I consume an unholy amount of caffeine, and on Thursdays and Fridays, when Stephen and I are doing the non-caffeine fruit/veggie cleanse, it gives me a wicked headache that lasts for the whole cleanse. It sucks. It makes me cranky.

Thursday night, after I got home and cranked at Stephen for like, breathing, he suggested I have a small mug of tea on my way to work even when we're doing the cleanse. "But caffeine is not allowed in the program!" I protested. He shook his head. He does not think that the world is ready for the decaffeinated Jaime, cleanse be damned.

So I'm still doing the cleanse, only I'm having some tea in the mornings so I don't kill anyone. This is really the best solution for all parties involved.

In other news, I went shopping with my parents today and it totally rocked! My mom wanted to get a camera for my dad, so we hit up Future Shop. Essentially, my parents are, y'know, parents. They think younger people know everything there is to know about electronics, so they took me with them to translate. Not that I know anything about cameras, as evidenced by the pictures I post here - when they come out blurry, I just label them as art shots - but I didn't want them to go by themselves because they'd totally get hosed. Anyway, so this is the conversation I had with the Future Dude:

Me: H! We would like to buy a digital camera!

Future Dude: Okay. What kind of features would you like?

Me: Well, do you have anything that's REALLY user-friendly?

Future Dude: Ha! Well, they're all very user-friendly right now...

Me: Okay. Let me put it to you this way. It's a camera for my dad. Do you have one in particular that's extremely basic and like... dad-friendly?

Future Dude: OH! I get you. Right over here.

We wound up getting a Nikon Coolpix for him, and the same one for me (in red, because I'm awesome). I needed a new camera, and my mom was all, "Let's buy you one for Christmas!" and I never look a gift horse in the mouth. It's just a newer model of the one I have that's broken (the hinge for the battery compartment is broken off, so the batteries don't connect and the camera always thinks the battery is low and won't work). Yay, new camera! Parents are great. They also randomly bought themselves a new TV.

Also! Let me tell you about my new pants! My mom wanted to buy me new pants since she is tired of seeing me walk around in the same yoga pants all the time, and when we walked into Smart Set, we headed straight for the Clearance section. Dudes, do you know the RAW JOY of finding pants in your size in the Clearance section?? Because it's the Clearance section, and there's never anything there that you would actually put on, never mind in your size. But I found basic black cords! They were on sale for $20! Exciting enough in itself, but they were also a pink-ticket item, which meant they were AN EXTRA 25% off! $15 for basic black cords that don't have that annoying tab-front closure (they are just plain button-and-zip) with cute little black studs on the pockets, AND THEY FIT! They only had one of my size, so I'm going to the Smart Set in the mall I work at to see if I can scoop up another pair. SO EXCELLENT. I love when the universe arranges it so that you get the last pair of pants on sale in your size.

I also got some Christmas gifts for people, AND I found Roseanne seasons 2 and 3 in the bargain bin at Indigo. I used a coupon and a gift card, so I spent like, $30 and came home with all this great stuff for myself. I love awesome shopping days. And now we're going to stay up late and eat veggie burgers. Life is good.

Secret of the Day: To celebrate my new camera, I will take a picture of anything you want and post it here. What are you curious about? If it doesn't involve nudity, I'm all over it.

We are a brutal kind

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:53:06 GMT

This dude came into the shop yesterday and bought up a whole bunch of stuff for his friend. He was so excited to be in a LUSH shop that he took our picture and made us sign the LUSH Times and everything (this isn't that weird. People get REALLY, REALLY excited about LUSH sometimes). The friend's name was Jan, and the guy who was in the shop was named Don.

(After Don leaves)
Me: Hey, wouldn't it have been funny if that guy's name was Dean instead of Don? (Everyone stares blankly) Um, you know? Jan and Dean?

(Silence. Tumbleweeds. Crickets.)

Me: Sigh.

Being old is no fun sometimes, y'all.

=

So we just finished watching this doc called Zombie Girl: The Movie, about this 12-year-old girl who makes a zombie movie. The documentary just follows her around for two years as she's trying to do her thing. IT IS AWESOME. Also, it makes me feel like I haven't accomplished anything. STELLAR. But really, you should watch this movie. The girl is hilarious and smart and capable and just basically all the things you want your daughter to be.

Sigh! I hope that if Stephen and I have kids, they are ambitious and creative and artsy and smart and funny and confident and strong. I want to be the mom that holds the boom mike in her daughter's zombie movie and helps her apply for a grant and does all the special effects makeup. I want Stephen to be the dad who teaches his daughter how to make and play a banjo from a gourd and keeps the extras entertained outside when she's shooting the decapitation scene - complete with green-screen effects - in the local IGA. Then I want people to make a documentary about all of it so that when she's a crazy famous filmmaker, people will fall all over themselves saying that they knew her before she was the cool new thing.

Anyway, you should buy her movie, Pathogen, and support a young filmmaker!

=

Secret of the Day: I truly believe that if you can listen to "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)" without shaking something or at least tapping a foot, you have no pulse. It is the catchiest song in the entire universe.

Halloweeeeeen!

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:44:21 GMT

So I did Stephen's skull mask makeup on Friday. It came out better today than the first time I did it - at least this time you could tell it's supposed to be a skull. The first time, it looked like I did the Scarecrow from Oz in black and white - but obviously, it's still not perfect. I had trouble with the teeth specifically. Anyway, I sent him off to work with the explicit instructions not to sweat it all off (I used mostly MAC Chromacakes, so that wasn't actually a problem), and while I still felt kind of blah about the final result, Stephen did come back after a minute to grab his lunch, which he'd forgotten. He told me that these kids on the elevator saw him and were like, "Wow! Cooooool!" so it made me feel pretty good.

And then! He called me later in the day to tell me that he'd won first prize in his costume contest at work! That rocked my world a little bit. Yay, skull mask! He got a gift card to Indigo.

I did the zipper face for my own makeup (yes, I have pictures but they're still on my phone right now) and that one came out awesome. It was way easy, too. I freaked out a lot of people. We went to Pioneer Village on Saturday night with Francie (did you know they do a Halloween thing? I DIDN'T EITHER!) and walked around in our costumes.

Pioneer Village itself was neat. If you're not into bars/clubs on Halloween, and you don't like going to, whatever, Screemers or anything like that, then this is place to go. You walk around in the village that they have all spookified, and they have creepy stuff going on in the different houses. They did Edgar Allen Poe readings in one, numerology in another, tarot readings, stories about the Lucan murders, a dude who did spoon-bending and weird telekinetic shit, and so on and so forth. It rocked! Also, it scared the crap out of Francie and I. They had people just randomly pop out of bushes and scream while you're walking around, and a couple of scary guys dressed up would just kind of follow us and try to freak us out (don't even get me started on the weird guy on the stilts). I am a big chicken, so I just wanted to get from building to building wthout people jumping out at me, but I could see how that would be fun if we had gone with a big group. We bought candy apples and apple cider though - okay, I didn't have the cider because I think it just tastes like warm apple juice and what? No thank you - and that was seven kinds of rock and roll.

I want to go again next year, except I need about five other people to surround me as we're walking. Stephen thinks I'm nuts, because Halloween is all about being scared, and - man, I don't know. I'd rather be scared sitting in a room listening to The Raven while drinking a warm, caffeinated beverage.

So, you know how I am obsessed with YouTube makeup tutorials lately? I must draw your attention to April. I LOVE HER, SHE IS AWESOME, END OF STORY. She's this hilarious, no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is kinda woman who does makeup tutorials and product reviews. AND SHE HAS AN ADVICE COLUMN! Those are my favourites. She's really smart! And I enjoy the advice she dispenses. I guess people just email her with problems and she just says what she thinks. And she's like... I don't know, kind of "Hey, I had 5 kids and I know how it all works and I have my shit together, okay?" with a little urban flava on the side. WHO DOESN'T NEED MORE OF THAT IN THEIR LIVES? I suggest you all subscribe to her videos immediately for insightful hilarity at your fingertips. She is my new hero.

Prodigious strangeness

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 01:56:15 GMT

In The Flying Troutmans, Hattie is taking her niece and nephew on an impromtu road trip because their mom just had a nervous breakdown and all she can think to do (Hattie, not the mom. Their mom is in a psych ward) is take the kids to find their father. No one really knows where the father is, but Hattie has a lead and figures that the father, who always wanted the kids to live with him in the first place, is a better choice to take care of them than herself.

The kids are Thebes, who's 11, and Logan who's 15. Thebes is this awesome purple-haired 11-year-old girl who likes to make giant novelty cheques for people out of art supplies and speak in strange voices sometimes. She's my favourite character. She's weird and smart and talks nonstop. She wears the same thing for most of the book and refuses to take a bath or comb her hair because it's not her thing. I can get behind that. There a lot of things that aren't my thing, and I wasn't fortunate enough to be able to not do them when I was 11, but Thebes is, so I can celebrate that with her.

There's a part where they wind up at some amusement park or something where there's bull-riding. Thebes is sitting in the stands with Hattie, counting the seconds that the cowboys stay on the bulls with a kind stranger's borrowed watch. She is in her full-on unwashed, uncombed purple-haired, cotton-candy stained glory, and she's jumping up and down cheering when no one else is. Hattie sometimes forgets that not everyone's 11-year-old nieces have this prodigious strangeness, so it comes as somewhat of a shock to her when the family of killjoys sitting behind them starts complaining that they paid good money to see this bull-riding and they don't want to have it ruined by some loud, jumping foreign retard sitting in front of them.

Thebes overhears this and gives the kind stranger back his watch. "I'm sorry if it's sticky," she whispers, and she and Hattie go off on their own for awhile. She's really sad and starts crying, and trying to explain to Hattie that she's not retarded.

"I know," says Hattie

"It's just..."

"I know," Hattie says again.

"I'm not retarded. I just want Min [their mom, who's in the psych ward]. She never yells at me. She thinks I'm beauti-"

" You are." Hattie says. And they kind of just stay like that for a long time, with Thebes crying and Hattie holding her.

I came home and told Stephen that I really wanted him to read the book. And then I started to try to explain that part and how it made me feel, but I found myself describing like, the whole book almost. And before I could really tell him about the part with the bull-riding, he brought it to my attention that if I wanted him to read the book, I was going to have to keep a lid on it.

"I know, but I wanted to explain this one part," I kept saying, but I couldn't really get around to it properly, and my throat was starting to get tight. And he was sort of amused that I just couldn't stop talking even though I could hear myself just telling him everything, everything, about the book and making it sort of difficult for him to read himself. Finally, I gave up trying to talk about it, and I could feel the tears coming anyway so I had to stop. I kind of flapped my hand at him and said, "Never mind, it's not important," when that really wasn't what I meant at all.

I wanted to tell him a lot of things - about how it took me a long time to be okay with people thinking I'm retarded when I know I'm not, and how I sometimes still have trouble thinking of my own prodigious strangeness as a unique kind of beauty, and how sometimes combing my hair is not my thing and mostly how any children we might have are never going to have to doubt how beautiful and awesome and truly original they are because I'm going to tell them all the time, all the time, all the time.

I didn't really get to tell him after all, because once I was done crying and I washed my face and had a cigarette, it was time to make dinner. I feel okay, though. I don't have to tell him everything. He just always knows.

I forgot

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 13:02:30 GMT

Last night, waiting for Macbeth to start, there was this dad sitting with his three kids across the aisle from us.

The Dad: By the pricking of my thumbs, something awesome this way comes.

Kids: Da-aad.

Dorkalizioso

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 04:23:47 GMT

Went to Stratford. Saw Macbeth and Cyrano. Even though I was expecting to love Macbeth more, Cyrano was AWESOME. Macbeth was just okay, mostly because Mac and Lady Mac didn't have the kind of chemistry that really makes it. The interpretation was interesting, but I think setting it in South Africa in modern times was a little distracting. Cyrano made me cry!

Then we booked it back to Toronto for IFOA at Harbourfront centre, where we got to see Miriam Toews read from The Flying Troutmans, and then she signed my book! I geeked all over her and she didn't mind a bit.

Eating was a chore because I was still on my fruit-veggie cleanse yesterday (did I tell you guys that we're doing this now? We eat nothing but fruits and veggies for two consecutive days out of the week and it is apparently supposed to detox my system and make you fit into last year's pants), and today there just weren't many vegan options or time to really find them. It was pretty much go-go-go for the last 48 hours.

I also scored Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrel and We Were the Mulvaneys for $6 each at this tiny bookstore. Yeah!

Star anise

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 06:26:13 GMT

I should start laundry instead of wasting time on Photobomb. I have no idea why laundry is such a big deal for me. I like doing it - it's one of the easiest household tasks ever. Put dirty clothes in. Drink tea. Take out CLEAN clothes! - but maybe it's the shared-laundry situation. I hate going down there. All y'all who are living in an apartment with shared laundry, say HEY!

(HEY)

Hi, it's now twelve hours later. I did the laundry, in case anyone was waiting in suspense. I also managed to clean the kitchen and reorganize my socks. GO JAIME GO.

So I might be going to Stratford this weekend with my sister to see Colm Feore in ~~Macbeth~~ the Scottish play. Yay! Depends on whether or not I can get off early on Friday. I'm sure I can, these things usually work out. The best part is that it won't cost me anything since I have a Stratford Festival gift certificate. She is also seeing Cyrano the next day before we come back, but I will probably just hang out in a coffee shop and read until the show's over. After we get back to Toronto, we may or may not be going to see Miriam Toews read at Harbourfront. It's like weekend of culture over here.

Hmm. This is kind of boring. Going to bed now.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 07:15:14 GMT

This is all kinds of awesome. The only issue is, of course, that guys who would benefit most from that probably don't read.

=

You know those commercials about elder abuse? They really bum me out, man. There's one where this dude is just grabbing some poor old lady by the arm and shaking the heck out of her, and it's so sad! I mean, really if you saw somone bullying an old lady, wouldn't you be like, "Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here?" And THEN I thought of the times when my mom calls and I don't feel like talking to her, so I let it go to voicemail, and it makes me think I am like... TOTALLY ABUSING HER WITH MY EMOTIONAL NEGLECT!

I just emailed her a virtual card because of the CRIPPLING GUILT. I feel slightly better now.

=

Here is what I did today:

11am - 4:30pm: Computer stuff. Watched many different makeup tutorials. Watched the first episode of Mad Men. Did some stuff for work. Ate cereal and drank a lot of tea.

4:30pm - 7pm: Watched Roseanne episodes. Ate crackers. Cleaned the kitchen.

7pm - 8:30pm: Cut the cats' claws. Put Dream Cream on my neck to heal all the scratches I came out of it with. Helped Stephen make dinner.

8:30pm - 10:30pm: Ate dinner. Watched Lost episodes.

10:30pm - 2am: Finished the work stuff that I started and never went back to from earlier.

I feel wide awake, so I'm going to wash my makeup brushes and clean the bathroom. This way, I'll have nothing to do tomorrow. This my system. Don't mess with it.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 23:52:19 GMT

Best Wedding Ceremony Beginning Ever:

I think my favourite part is the very beginning, where the ushers just throw up their programs and start rocking out. I just like when you can just see such RAW GLEE on people's faces during happy occasions! I want our wedding to be like that.

=

So Francie and I had a really fun day! We had sushi and then spent some time walking around in the rain. I got my pom poms for my zombie cheerleader outfit, and also a viking helmet. You guys, I have wanted a viking helmet MY WHOLE LIFE. I'm wearing it to work tomorrow (we're wearing costumes every Saturday this month to promote our Halloween stuff... and y'know, so we can wear costumes). I also have a Freddy sweater and claw that I can wear next week, and demon horns for the weekend after that. Yeehaw!

I came into a little extra money this month, so I bought shark mittens and a coat. FABULOUS. Also made my first trip to David's Tea, and bought this awesome Pumpkin Chai, and a fruity Earl Grey. I forgot how much I love a day of shopping! It was weird to spend money on something besides makeup, though.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 02:09:37 GMT

I could look at Fluevog shoes all day.

These.

And these.

And oh man, these too.

They're killing me, OMG.

Make it stop!

And like, I am not even a shoe person.

=

I went to the MAC Pro store and bought my Halloween makeup business! I am so excited. I finally have my Chromacakes! I just need to get the spirit gum, the fake blood, my zippers and my pom-poms and then I'll be all set as a zombie cheerleader. Yippee!

"Good work, sycophants."

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 18:43:52 GMT

Hi-larious! Although, I imagine that this is even better if you actually watch Mad Men.

Current things I'm obsessed with:

1. The Lake Effect, a radio show that my friend Ewan hosts. There are a few albums and artists that I love now that I would never even have known about if it wasn't for Ewan in my Sunrise days, and ever since leaving, I haven't really discovered any new and exciting music. Listening to this helps a lot.

2. THESE BABIES. Oh my god. They kind of taste like cheesies, without the cheese. And saltier. And fluffier. And they only come in these enormous bags so it's like A CRAZY ABUNDANCE OF SALTY GOODNESS. I have to eat them really slowly, and only once in awhile, otherwise I'd inhale the entire bag at once and probably have a heart attack.

3. My new Coastal Scents 88 palette! I LOVE THIS THING. I did this look with it yesterday. Usually I never get palettes because I already have most of the colours separately, BUT. I got this one because I looked at my collection and decided that I really didn't have enough variety. What I mean is, I have a lot of purples and blues and greens, but really not a lot of pinks, browns, greys, neutrals, etc. Going by everything I'd read and heard about Coastal Scents, I decided that I couldn't go wrong for $20, and wound up with both this one and the 88 Ultra Shimmer Palette (because sometimes you want the shimmer, y'know?). I'm really excited to travel with these, too. Now I can just bring one palette instead of looking at all my makeup and planning out each day's makeup while I'm packing.

Secret of the Day: The Polanski thing is REALLY driving me up the wall. I don't know if it's because I'm just really hormonal right now or what, but every article I read about it FILLS ME WITH RAGE.

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:50:57 GMT

Blech. Fire alarm is going off in the building. This happens now and then - it would be better if it wasn't this intermittent high-pitched "Eeeeh! Eeeeh! Eeeeeeeeeh!" sound, but at least I was able to sleep until 10 before it started. It goes off for like, five minutes, and then an announcement comes on saying that there's a building alert and the fire department is on its way and they'll let us know if it's an actual fire. It (almost) never is. Then the alarm continues until the fire department shows up, and they can take it off.

I always think about how we would get out of here if we needed to. I picture myself tossing all the cats onto the bedspread, and then gathering it up at four corners, throwing it over my shoulder and bolting down the stairs. So far, that's my best idea. Obviously, I'm not going anywhere right now since I've got tofu scramble on the stove and you can't just leave when there's tofu scramble. You just can't.

=

In wedding news, Stephen and I are thinking of a new plan. What if we just didn't have a wedding? As in, since I already have issues with lots of people staring at me, and I don't want to walk down any aisles or any of that, what if we just went to city hall and got married in ten minutes? And then had an informal party with our friends in the evening. We could still get the party catered by Vegetarian Haven, but this time we could have a fun theme, like dress as your favourite Tarantino character. I would obviously be The Bride... but I could be all bloody! That would be fun.

=

The LUSH Halloween stuff is out! SO AWESOME. I love that Pumpkin smells different than last year (last year, they made it smell like Almond Buttercream. I don't know why) and I love that Cobweb is Black Pearl! Apparently, we are not getting any more than what we already have in the shop, so I'm going to have to buy a giant pile of it within the next couple of days.

=

Remember the post I made about Neil Gaiman's bookshelves with the picture of the cat on the chair? That was only a corner of his actual bookshelves. Take a look at the rest of it.

I KNOW, RIGHT?? So great. Someday, when Stephen and I have our big farmhouse in the woods, we're going to have a library that looks like that.